Narcissists can be charming and charismatic, often extremely intelligent and self-assured, making them particularly adept at luring their prey in. Victims of narcissistic abuse know all too well the insidious nature of a narcissist and the devastating impact it can have on their emotional and psychological wellbeing. If you keep finding yourself drawn to narcissistic partners, you may be wondering “Why do I attract narcissists?” Here we explore common narcissistic relationship patterns and what makes someone more susceptible to them.
What are the signs of narcissistic attraction?
Before we dive in, let’s first understand what narcissistic attraction means. Narcissistic attraction refers to the powerful draw someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can have over a potential partner. It’s important to recognize that often, the signs of narcissistic attraction aren’t easy to spot. In fact, they can appear quite flattering and initially make a potential partner feel special. Here are some warning signs to look out for:
- Intense flattery and excessive compliments
- Instant infatuation and obsession with the other person
- Overly attentive behavior, such as constant texts or phone calls, and unwanted gifts
- Manipulative behavior, such as gaslighting or guilting into doing things for them
- Grandiose and arrogant behavior, such as talking excessively about personal accomplishments or belittling others
It’s worth noting that these signs alone do not necessarily mean someone has NPD. We all have moments of needing attention or wanting to feel special. However, if these behaviors continue, and a potential partner shows little concern for your thoughts or feelings, it could be a sign of narcissistic attraction.
What causes narcissistic attraction?
So why do some people attract narcissists, while others do not? It’s important to recognize that attraction to a narcissist is not a conscious choice. Rather, it’s a subconscious pattern that can be linked to upbringing, past relationships, and personal self-esteem levels.
Childhood experiences, such as neglect, abuse, or an overly critical parent, can leave a person with little self-esteem and a tendency to seek validation from others. This can set the stage for an attraction to a narcissist who is skilled at flattering and manipulating their weaknesses.
Similarly, past experiences with narcissistic partners can create a pattern of familiarity, making someone more likely to gravitate towards similar personalities. This is known as repetition compulsion – a subconscious need to repeat past patterns in the hope of achieving a different outcome.
Finally, a lack of boundaries and poor self-esteem can make someone more susceptible to narcissistic attraction. Those who struggle with assertiveness often seek validation from others, which can make them an easy target for a narcissist looking for someone to control and manipulate.
How can I stop attracting narcissists?
If you’re tired of being caught in the cycle of narcissistic relationships, there are steps you can take to break the pattern:
- Work on your self-esteem: Investing time and energy into building your self-worth and confidence will make you less likely to seek validation from others, including narcissistic partners.
- Set boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries and communicating them effectively can help protect you from manipulative behavior.
- Learn to recognize the red flags: Being able to identify early warning signs of narcissistic behavior can help prevent getting caught up in a toxic relationship.
- Break the pattern: Recognizing patterns from past relationships and working to create new positive patterns can help break the cycle of attracting narcissistic partners.
Breaking patterns and developing healthy relationships takes time and effort, but it’s worth it. By working towards greater self-awareness and establishing healthy boundaries, you can protect yourself and find fulfilling, loving relationships.
“A narcissist’s love is typically exploitative and manipulative and usually comes at a great emotional cost to their partner.” – Dr. Ramani Durvasula